


Bridge This Gap

by ByTheAngell (SomeLittleInfamy)



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Coping, Gen, Set during 3B, Survivor Guilt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-13
Updated: 2019-03-13
Packaged: 2019-11-17 17:40:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,562
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18103283
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SomeLittleInfamy/pseuds/ByTheAngell
Summary: "If anyone would understand all of what Jace is going through - losing a loved one, feeling responsible for something largely out of his control, the guilt, the sadness - it’s Magnus.And if anyone knows how to survive it, well, centuries of doing just that have to leave the warlock better suited than Alec to give Jace counsel."





	Bridge This Gap

“I see it every time I close my eyes, Alec. The images won’t go away. The muscle memory, the guilt… you don’t understand.” 

Alec thought he was making progress with Jace, but it looks like his parabatai is just a few short seconds away from shutting him out again, and Alec can’t take that. Not now.  He can’t help Jace with  _ everything  _ no matter how much he wants to. But when Jace snaps at him that he couldn’t possibly understand, Alec knows that much is a lie. 

“I don’t?” Alec says, tone growing startlingly quiet in the wake of their increasingly raised voices up to this point, as if somehow shouting over one another would make that person’s point more valid. “Maybe you forgot that I’ve been possessed, too. That I’ve been present while an innocent life was taken by  _ my  _ hands--” Alec looks down at his hands then, calloused and scarred, and can still picture the way they looked with Jocelyn’s blood on them. “--but _ I _ haven’t. I can’t... I don’t think I ever will.” 

Jace stills. 

“I’m sorry, Alec, I-” 

“It’s-” Alec starts, but cuts himself off. “It is what it is. It’s done.” They weren’t the words he originally set out to say, but they’re the ones he settles on instead. They both know he was about to say it’s fine and they both know it’s anything but. They also both know now isn’t the time for lies to spare feelings, not when so much is at stake. “But don’t use my inability to understand as an excuse to push me away.” 

Jace teeters, looking like he’s one slight breeze away from either falling into Alec’s arms or sprinting off in the opposite direction. Instead, he takes a step towards Alec and Alec reaches for him, pulling him in tight. 

“We’ll get you through this, alright?” Alec promises. 

Jace says nothing, but nods his head against Alec’s shoulder. 

“Alright.” Alec repeats. After the lengths they went through to save his brother Alec isn’t ready to lose him again so soon. 

\---

Alec isn’t sure this is going to work, but once the idea comes to him he can’t shake it. Is it too much to ask of Magnus at a time like this? Is it too much to expect of Jace to want him to open up over something so fresh to someone he isn’t particularly close with? Alec’s terrified that the answer to both of these things is going to be ‘yes’, and that his idea is going to backfire spectacularly and end with a bitter boyfriend and a blocked-out parabatai, but he has to try. 

Ever since his brother opened up to him about how affected he is by the Owl’s memories remaining inside of his head, he and Jace have kept a surprisingly open channel of communication. It’s far from normal for either of them but they do the best they can with it. Sometimes it’s just a comment here or there, an admission of not being alright, but the intention is there. And it’s working... to an extent. 

There’s only so much Alec can help with. They’re both young, and Alec has to admit that he hasn’t handled his own guilt very well in the past, let alone well enough to offer any sound advice to Jace half the time. More often than not he finds himself coming up short when his brother  _ does  _ talk with him about the sorts of frustrations Alec normally takes out on a punching bag. At least he knows better than to suggest that sort of solution to Jace in his current state but he’s drawing a blank on alternatives to offer instead. The memories are a constant problem but they quickly get to the root of the worst of it: Clary. 

At first Alec considers asking Magnus about repressing Jace’s memories or removing them  much the way he blocked Clary’s for all those years during her childhood. After everything with Iris Magnus opened up a bit about the memories she dredged up, however, and his talk with Magnus brings a serious feeling of  déjà vu . 

It sounds a lot like the conversations he’s having with Jace lately. 

Of course the situations aren’t identical, but they are similar enough that he wonders if Magnus could help talk to Jace. If anyone would understand  _ all _ of what Jace is going through - losing a loved one, feeling responsible for something largely out of his control, the guilt, the sadness - it’s Magnus. And if anyone knows how to survive it, well, centuries of doing just that have to leave the warlock better suited than Alec to give Jace counsel. 

Alec doesn’t ask right away. Magnus is dealing with a lot of his own problems, and after he opens up Alec about everything Iris put him through Alec is there for him completely for whatever comfort and support he can provide. It isn’t long before Alec finds himself feeling more than a little useless, the same way he has with Jace. He can sympathize and understand to an extent but he doesn’t  _ fully  _ understand. He can’t. He hasn’t felt the loss of a love that intense, he hasn’t felt the guilt of that much innocent blood on his hands (and he prays he never will on both counts). 

Alec gives it a few days before bringing it up to Magnus. 

“Hey…” Alec starts slowly, drawing the word out. They’re sitting on the sofa, Alec lounging against Magnus, Magnus’ fingers threading repetitively through his hair. 

“I know that tone,” Magnus says, fingers slowing to a stop “That’s the tone that says whatever is on your mind right now has been there for far too long.” 

Alec shifts so that he’s sitting more upright, laughing lightly. “You know me too well.” 

“What is it? It isn’t like you to dwell on telling me something important.” 

“It isn’t a  _ telling _ so much as an  _ asking,”  _ Alec clarifies. “And it might be too much, so you can say no if you don’t want to, I’ll understand.” 

Magnus hums his acknowledgement and nods, but says nothing more as he waits patiently for Alec to gather his thoughts and continue. 

“It’s Jace.” Alec starts, the words leaving him with a sigh. “Ever since everything with The Owl he’s been… he’s not in a good place. And when he was telling me about how he has all of those memories in his head, how he can still feel it and re-lives it over and over, on top of losing Clary…” Alec trails off, trying to find the right way to ask what he wants to ask. “After you talked to me about the memories you experienced with Iris - about George, and I know he isn’t the only one - I just thought that maybe it was a similar enough experience that you could talk with Jace.” 

“I see.” 

“You don’t have to. I don’t want you to keep bringing them back up. Hell, I don’t even know if he’d agree to talk about it anyway, but I just hate feeling so  _ helpless _ . He knows I’m there for him, just like I’m trying to be here for you. But I’ve never lost someone I loved like that.” Alec averts his gaze, already uncomfortable with the train of thought his mind is on. “...and especially not someone I felt responsible for.” 

Alec looks frustrated but Magnus catches his gaze and meets it with a soft, sad smile. 

“That isn’t something to feel guilty about. In fact, if you manage to never understand that loss, you’d be one of the lucky ones.” Magnus reassures him. “And of course I’ll talk with him.  _ If he wants to _ . Because forcing something like that will do more harm than good, that much I can promise you.” 

Alec nods. 

“Thank you.” He shifts on the sofa, easing back to lean against Magnus once more, sinking into his boyfriend, a comforting weight. The fingers are back in his hair the moment his head settles. “I’ll bring it up tomorrow and see what he says.” 

\---

“No.”

Alec half-expects this but it doesn’t stop his arms from crossing in front of him as he frowns. 

“Jace, come on. At least  _ consider _ it.” 

“Absolutely not. I can’t… this isn’t the sort of thing I can talk about, alright? You don’t get it.” Jace sounds exasperated, and Alec knows he’s close to shutting down and walking away again. He won’t let that happen. 

“You’re right, I don’t. But Magnus  _ does.”  _ Alec insists. “If you don’t want to talk, at least listen to him. He’s lived through it, more than once. If anyone knows how to get through what you’re going through, it’s him.” 

“I’m the reason he lost his magic, Alec. I can’t go and ask him for help.”  

“He already agreed to it.” Maybe, Alec thinks, that’ll make it easier to agree to. The look on Jace’s face makes it very clear that is not the case at all. Quite the opposite, actually.  
  
“ _ Alec-”  _ Jace’s tone takes on a tone of half-exasperation, half-warning.  
  
“But only if you want to,” Alec adds hastily. 

“I don’t know…” Jace draws out, and Alec seizes the hesitation as a good sign. It’s better than the flat-out ‘no’ he got a minute ago. 

“Please, Jace. If you won’t talk to Izzy or me--” Alec is close to pleading now. 

“Will it get you off my back?” 

“Yes.” 

“Alright. I’ll talk with him.” Jace doesn’t look thrilled about it, but he agrees.

“Thank you.” 

\---

“Hey Magnus! Are you here to see Alec?” Alec looks up at the sound of Izzy’s question, following her gaze to where Magnus stands in the main hallway of the Institute, a reflexive smile crossing his features at the unexpected surprise. 

“No, actually. I’m here for your other brother.” Alec watches as Izzy leans in to hug Magnus, and the look of confusion on Alec’s face matches Izzy’s as it’s mirrored back over Magnus’s shoulder. He didn’t expect Magnus to come  _ here _ , unless maybe Jace asked him to? 

But Jace looks just as surprised as the rest of them when he comes into the room and spots the warlock. 

“Jace, just the Shadowhunter I wanted to see! Can I steal you for a second?” 

Jace looks momentarily uncertain but he nods and follows Magnus down the hallway just the same. 

Alec has to fight the urge to follow. This isn’t for him - this isn’t about him. 

All he can do now is wait. 

\---

Jace follows a few steps behind Magnus until Magnus slows, allowing him to take the lead. Which Jace does, pausing at a branch in the hallway before settling on the direction that goes towards his room. It’d be private, and probably the best place to talk instead of the library or any other common areas.

Once they’re alone Jace is barely able to meet Magnus’ eyes. “Look, Magnus, I’m sorry about your magic, and-” 

“It isn’t your fault, and that isn’t why we’re here.” Magnus cuts him off with a wave of his hand. 

“It  _ is _ my fault, and just-- let me thank you, alright?” 

“Alright. Your unnecessary apology and gratitude are accepted.” 

Jace rolls his eyes and turns away, pacing a bit. He has no clue where to begin, or if he even  _ should _ begin, and he’s starting to wonder why he agreed to this at all. 

“So,” Magnus prompts, breaking the silence. “Alec tells me you’re having a rough time lately.”    
  
Jace laughs with a harsh edge to the sound. “Understatement of the century.” He looks around at the chair by the desk and motions to it before sitting down on the edge of his bed. “You can have a seat wherever.” It’s obvious he’s uncomfortable but he’s doing his best to hide it. They both are. Neither of them are particularly close, nor do they have an awful lot of common besides the amount they care about Alec Lightwood.

Alec, the person who brought them here in the first place. 

“Listen, I don’t know how much Alec told you, but-- I’m not good at this sort of thing. Clary’s gone. It’s my fault. And talking about it isn’t going to change anything so I’m sorry you’re wasting your time here.” 

“That’s where you’re wrong,” Magnus starts, settling himself down in the chair by the desk.  “Talking about it isn’t going to change what  _ happened _ , but that doesn’t mean it can’t change  _ anything _ . It can affect an awful lot of what’s happening now.” 

Jace gives another shrug but doesn’t immediately dismiss the train of thought, so Magnus continues. 

“I feel guilty about Biscuit too. If I hadn’t done what Jocelyn asked all those years, if Clary came into this world more prepared, if I’d kept a better eye on her these past few weeks, or recognized Lilith when she showed up…” 

To both of their surprise, tears spring to Magnus’ eyes. 

“But you couldn’t have known, Magnus.” Jace says quietly. “No one blames you for any of this.” 

“I know.” Magnus sniffs, wiping at his eyes. “Because I talked with Alec and Catarina about it, and they said a lot of things I wasn’t willing to let myself believe. That’s why you can’t shut people out right now, because the same goes for you. None of us blame you for Clary’s death, Jace.” 

“This is different.” Jace shakes his head. 

“It’s not.” 

“It is! It wasn’t your responsibility to keep her safe - to keep  _ all _ of us safe - and you still did a better job of it than I did. You don’t see the looks I get around here from the other Shadowhunters. I might as well still be The Owl for all they trust me!” Jace is shouting now, punctuating the end of his outburst with a fist ineffectively slammed into the mattress. 

Magnus doesn’t reply. 

They both fall silent, neither wanting to push the other too far and start an argument. Magnus isn’t positive what to do with Jace’s tendency to default to rage and aggression, and Jace doesn’t know how to handle someone with so much patience. Usually when he gets like this people leave him alone, which is what he wants: but Magnus stays, refusing to walk away and allow him to suffer in silence. 

It’s Jace who speaks again first, but this time his voice is barely above a whisper. “Alec and Izzy are the only ones who will go on missions with me anymore.” 

“The others will come around. But as long as you keep saying it’s all your fault, they’re going to keep believing it too. So we have to start there.” Magnus looks Jace in the eye, and Jace is surprised he’s even still sitting here, let alone still offering to help. 

So Jace starts to talk. 

“I finally went into her room today.” There are tears in his eyes before he finishes the sentence and they’re the first of many, and not just from Jace. 

They’re two people who spent the better part of the week pretending to be fine, but right now they find it a lot easier to admit that they’re anything but. Magnus understands everything Jace spills out, and Jace is surprised how relatable Magnus’ replies are. It isn’t all talking; sometimes they just sit and think, or Jace gives himself a few minutes to simply cry which is a luxury he hasn’t allowed himself before that morning in Clary’s room. Magnus talks a little bit about George and a handful of others he couldn’t protect, allowing Jace a small glimpse of the Magnus Alec knows, not just the flashy smiles and cocky commentary he displays around the Institute.

Jace starts to feel less alone in his loss and Magnus realizes with surprise that he feels much less guilt now than he did at the time of the stories he recalls. He still feels it, of course, but nowhere near the level that he’s seeing in Jace; he didn’t realize just how much of the pain settled within him until the comparison is laid out in front of him, still raw and fresh in Jace’s experience. 

Before they know it an hour passes by, and then another, before they both agree to put a pause on things for now. It’s a lot to process all at once and neither of them planned on this lasting as long as it did. Jace doesn’t want to stay away long enough to draw too many questions and Magnus has a coffee date with Catarina he doesn’t want to be late for (though he would if he had to, Cat would understand; hell, she might even be proud of him for this). 

“I’m not going to lie, I was a little wary of this whole thing when Alec suggested it, but I’m glad we did this.” Jace says, deciding to stay here just a few more minutes while Magnus heads for the door. 

“Me too. You know where to find me whenever you want to talk.” It’s a simple offer of support but it’s enough to settle the moment of unease that rises in Jace now that he’s being left alone with his thoughts again. Because he isn’t alone, he reminds himself, as long as he stops pushing everyone away. 

“Thanks. I might take you up on that.” 

\---

It’s two hours after Magnus arrived before anyone sees sign of Magnus or Jace again. Under strict orders from Alec Jace is to be left alone and anything needing his attention to be brought directly to Alec instead. He’s signing off on a report when the shadow of a figure in Alec’s doorway draws his attention up to his boyfriend. 

“Hey, come in,” Alec says, shifting the papers on his desk to the side. “I wasn’t expecting to see you here today.”    
  
“Yes, well, I thought Jace might be a little more comfortable if I came to him in his element.” Magnus points out, and Alec realizes he never even thought of that. That one small consideration is enough to remind him why he loves this man. 

“And?” 

“It went well. Rather, it went about as well as talking about the lost loves of your life could go.” Magnus’s smile has a twinge of sadness and Alec catches the signs of slightly smeared eye makeup and a hint of puffiness around Magnus’ eyes, wondering if he’d see the same lingering redness around Jace’s eyes. 

He wonders if maybe arranging this wasn’t a mistake, but the smile remains on Magnus’ face as he crosses the length of the room to lean against the side of Alec’s desk.  

“I think it helped.”

“Yeah, but if it was too much for you--” Alec starts to protest, but Magnus cuts him off with a shake of his head. 

“I think it was good for  _ both  _ of us.”  Magnus clarifies.

Alec lets that sink in. He didn’t really think about how much Magnus might need to have the same conversation - not just about Clary, but about his own past. Magnus spoke with him about some of it, of course, but Alec hadn’t considered the idea that perhaps there are things Magnus is keeping from him for the same reasons Jace hasn’t been able to fully open up with him.  _ Especially  _ when it comes to lamenting his past loves, a topic that might be uncomfortable to breech with a current boyfriend - especially after their unfortunate fight over the memory box not too long ago. 

He doesn’t blame Magnus for holding some of that back from him. He gets it. He isn’t 100% honest with Magnus about every concern on his own mind either, so… yeah, he gets it, even if it isn’t ideal. 

Alec is about to say something else when Jace passes by the open door and hesitates just outside. His eyes hold that same heaviness to them that Magnus’ do, red around the edges the only evidence that anything is amiss, but despite that his parabatai looks  _ better _ . More at ease. Alec can sense it the moment he sees Jace holding himself straighter than he has in days. Jace catches Magnus’ gaze and gives him a small nod, then shoots Alec a grateful smile before continuing down the hall. 

Alec gives a sigh of relief. 

“Thank you, Magnus.” 

“You have nothing to thank me for. I’m happy to help. In fact, it’s one of the first times I’ve felt properly useful since…  _ everything _ .” Alec knows that such a big part of Magnus’ life was helping others and it is good to see him able to do that again, even if it isn’t the way Magnus wants to be helping. “It’s my pleasure, really. I’ll see you for dinner, dear.” Magnus leans in to give Alec a quick kiss goodbye before taking his leave.

Watching Magnus leave through the doorway and not a portal is just another reminder of how much their lives have changed, for better or worse. 

Everything is different now but that doesn’t mean all is lost; they just have to help each other pick up the pieces and build a new normal. It’ll take a while but they’ll get there; it’s what they’ve always done and what they’ll always do. They’re going to be alright, Alec thinks - and for the first time since Magnus lost his magic and they all lost Clary, he actually believes it.  

**Author's Note:**

> (Find me on [Tumblr](http://bytheangell.tumblr.com) and also on [Twitter](http://www.twitter.com/By_The_Angell) while we all hang out waiting for someone to #SaveShadowhunters ! <3)


End file.
